| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|12:39 am] |
HELLO!
I don't know if anyone is still reading this. Uhm, hm. I'm moving to London, which should be interesting. I've got a PROPER boyfriend, as opposed to Andrew and I've written the first draft of a novel. I hope everyone is okay, I think about my friends list a lot :)
Anyone if you are interested in reading please add my new journal. I'm not going to add people first because I don't want to force them into reading. If you add me I'll add you back!
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) bunzador
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bunzador
bunzador
bunzador
bunzador |
|
|
| Malibu Malibu |
[Oct. 1st, 2007|08:17 pm] |
Hello!
Me and Malibu have a lovehate reationship which mainly is thjat I LOVE it but it hat es me and makes me a VERY drunk girl! So I have had lots of it and went to a gay club with James for dancing and drinks and I got hit on by boys and girls, hoorah! However he made sure I was behaving myself and even switched my phone of soo I couldnt make a drunk phone call I had discussed.
Do you know how many drinks I have had? LOTS!
LOL.
The rabbits are fine of course, they go outside tomorrow! I'm so happy for them!!!!!!!!! I am also very pissed off at the current "art" scene which is basically drawing stick figures and British animals and writing stupid words like "fuck" on things. Apparently copying everyone else is art. And because I don't do that, and paint things instead of drawing them with SHARPIE I am less cool and therefore am not worthy of zines and projects. FUCK YOU, because I will be dead cool when your art is yesterdays news.
Anyway I am making luke a scarf with a keyboard on, and a dr.who scraf for jon with a dalek on. Obviously I am a woman of many talents. Many scarfing talents.
Well I have just had a text message from James wand there is a bag of beans in the microwave which my brother is cooking. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.!!!
Well I'm off to do some drunken sewing so peace be with all! xxxxx |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2007|05:48 pm] |
OMG.
HOW FUCKING ANNOYING ARE YOU?!
HOW HAS NO ONE SHOT YOU IN YOUR OBNOXIOUS FACE YET?!
HOW BADLY DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?!!!!!!!!!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!111
---
Anyway, I have made a list of people I want to stay friends with on LJ. I will get in contact with you guys in the future.
It's totally ok to unadd this LJ now! PEACE! X |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2007|06:48 pm] |
Hey.
When I started LJ I never wrote anything about having an eating disorder, I think a lot of people added me because my entries were rarely actually about myself and that's an odd thing to come across on LJ. Then when I started writing about it I had the support of a few friends, though left a lot of them, and added a lot more people mainly from ED communities. Whenever I changed my name they would always find me, and I'd get sucked into their world again. It's pretty grim to look at your friends page and see everyone writing about what they ate or threw up that day. Then eventually I just created this journal, so that they couldn't keep finding me. I kept a few old friends and added quite a few more.
In the last three weeks I have lost 32lb. I'm on my way to being thin again and it's actually brilliant. All I want to talk about is my eating disorder, because it's fucking HARD, and the same way you want to write about your relationship/job/family/friend issues, I want to talk about THIS. It seems increasingly that I'm scared to post here, because of the reaction I've received in the past. I know it offends a lot of people, upsets a lot of people but the feeling I like least (selfish, I know) is that it annoys a lot of people.
So yeah, I'm sorry I'm not interesting anymore. I'll stick around because I read everyone's LJ's, but I like to listen more than to make noise. I haven't abandoned anyone, I read it all.
I just don't really feel comfortable here anymore, I'm going to find a new blogging site and start over. I might come back to this, probably. But I don't want everyone to think I am just plain out not commenting when you're having a crap day.
Angie I am in the process of writing you - your last entry made me feel totally guilty but I had started a letter!
Not-Dad, I am putting your CD on my iPod to take to Florida with me.
:]
Hannah x |
|
|
| ! |
[Jul. 3rd, 2007|02:16 am] |
I ran away from home. For like twenty minutes.
Since I pay keep now, I work most days to earn a living (ick!). My brother, who's got the summer off, spends every night playing War Craft in his room with the sound on full over the top of a heavy metal track. These noises combined make for a most inappropriate sleeping environment, and Mum's failure to do anything means I've taken to the sofa with a blanket most nights.
Anyway, I haven't been able to think, read, write, draw or do anything worth doing, which makes me feel like I've wasted my time taking this gap year from university. So, after a pretty nasty argument with my mum about how much I hate living here (I even said that I "fucking" hated it, ooo!), I set off on a walk that I hoped would result in me coming across some magical house in the woods where there would be no cost of living and sleepless nights were unheard of!
I went to the woods and was surprised at how overgrown it had become in the space of a week. It's not neglected, it's just that we've had so much rain the trees have just opened like giant umbrellas, and the plants have taken over the footpaths. I can imagine there being a few confused dog-walkers swallowed up in the greenery. I found a clear-ish path beside a field and took to that, finding myself ankle-deep in mud. Then I followed the stream up to this strange cement hole thing that it flows out of, and tried climbing over it. I lost my footing a few times, and got my shoes filled with water. I was quite sure I'd be taken in by a friend until I realised I didn't have my cell on me. That's fine, I thought, I can make it without my cell. I used branches to pull myself up off the banks and started walking across a field when I heard sirens (sirens!!!). I wondered if Mum had called out the police to search for me. It seemed like something she would do. I panicked and ran home, stopping only to wipe the mud off my shoes so no one would know where I'd been. When I got home, Mum was on the phone to Dad, telling him pretty much what a terrible daughter I was. I don't think anyone actually knew I'd gone! Haha. |
|
|
| My Birthday - Officially |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|12:01 am] |
I'm nineteen.
And so glad facepainting-clowns and floral jumpers are not going to feature this year. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|10:22 pm] |
|
I LOST 4LB THIS WEEK |
|
|
| Doughy Offerings |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|01:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Jon and I are hosting a BBQ in honour of Tibbs. The roasting of dead animals, hosted by a vegetarian, to commemorate a dead animal may SEEM like skewed logic... and you're right, it is, but anyway, we decided to have a cookie creating frenzy after I found a bunny cookie cutter hidden in the cupboard. We didn't want to waste time making the dough ourselves, so used "just add water" dough mix. We learned our lesson, as you can see... Jon's turned out to be a vile shade of GREEN, since the pack we took it from was meant for creating dinosaur cookies. Further hitches included burning more than 50% of our batch and having to throw them out, and adding too much water so that we had to even it out with flour. The two green bunnies on the far left plate also suffered severe damage when I dropped the tray there was a minor earthquake, resulting in their obvious head wounds and ear-loss.
I am also thinking of investing in an oven glove after gaining a series of burns from the baking tray sliding out of the oven, over the cloth I was using, and onto my arms. Jon found this hilarious. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2007|01:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I've lifted my self-imposed ban on computing due to the fact I hadn't gained as much weight as I thought. My doctor told me that it was likely to be water retention from my period, and sure enough when I weighed myself today I'd dropped 11 lb. That seems like a lot of water, but I guess I'm so used to amenorrhea that I had no idea. Still, it gave me the kick I needed to get my diet-head on. I'm not happy unless I have bones sticking through my skin, which hasn't been the case for a while now. My new goal is 74 lb for September.
I took home nine bunches of flowers from work last week because we couldn't sell them. Sue, my duty manager, gave me some of the yellow roses she wanted for herself for staying on late. She gave me a ride home even though I secretly wanted to walk home with my arms full of flowers, and have all the motorists pass me thinking that someone must really love me. I've been taking great care of them, but their petals have started dropping and throwing them out seems like such a waste, so I've been drawing, collaging and sewing with them. When I get better (the smallest holes turn into huge rips within seconds) I'm going to make some really cool things the length of washing lines.
Just practising sewing...
I then laminated this and am going to paint over parts of the surface.
I made this flower by sewing the leaves of three different coloured roses together and then adding them to a decapitated stem and adding separate leaves. It's an interracial-love flower! Totally my Asian friend who is dating an Afro-Carribbean girl and is part of an "I support interracial marriage!" Facebook group.
 |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2007|03:57 pm] |
HELLO.
Won't be coming on here until I'm like... thin again. Because it's been too long and I don't care how "well" I am, I'm not happy. Happiness pwns health in every way, thus I am going to be careless and selfish as I like. And this thing is a distraction. My vanity rules everything. I'm not studying for my A-levels, but calculating calorie intake and being confined to my bed because I'm not strong enough to get up.
In theory I'll be back in 97 days. It's my birthday next week. I am going to be old. I am going to have to eat cake. What I hate about having like seven families is that we all have to go on seven meals or something lavish and disappointing. To be fair I could not eat a bite and no one would notice. They like to get together for reasons other than to celebrate "me".
And I'm pissed off because I asked my mum to bring me juice and she brought me fruit bread and strawberries and made sure I ate them. Which is great because now I'll have to fast for the next three days, when those were restricting days and the OTHERS are fasting days. So it works out that I basically won't be able to eat for quite a long time. WHICH IS GREAT. But I did want to have energy so I could go for my exams.
BUT WHATEVER. Enough about me. I know a lot of you are having hard times and I should be being a supportive LJ friend. Still, I've not forgotten about those of you who gave me your address. I'll write you updated letters, if I can pick up a pen. I'm not a bad friend, I've just been distracted. For those of you whose addresses I don't have, I'll see you in 97 days.
Also I broke my mum's mirror and hid it under my bed. There is only so long I will get away with it.
I have to PAY to live at HOME next month, too. That is, paying for food I don't eat. I have to pay for a bed that I can't sleep in because my brother listens to music all night. I have to PAY for water bills when I have five minute showers, and my brother opts ones so long that the walls are wet and the bathroom is like a sauna when he's done. I have to pay for electricity I don't really use while my brother leaves his tv on constantly and his light during the day.
Everything feels unjust. I am a whiney baby. I always make a superb job of regression when I'm all funny about food. Take care, folks. Don't unadd me. x |
|
|
| SKULLLZZZZ |
[May. 20th, 2007|10:48 am] |
Hooray! I finished my project on skulls. I have so many exams over the next few weeks (including one on my birthday) and I already forgot to attend one, which means my grades are going to suffer AND I'll have to pay a fine. Oh, and I owe the library £50. Woe is me.
( Completed Art Project on Skulls )
Human Skull
PS. If you added my art LJ all those years ago you'll be seeing this twice. SORRY :/ |
|
|
| NOTE TO SELF, LAWL |
[May. 19th, 2007|01:12 am] |
|
Hannah, you are a good writer. Stop doubting yourself and taking a nine-month break from your novel. IT'S TIME TO PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, HO. |
|
|
| Tibbs, 14th Feb 1998 - 14th May 2007 |
[May. 15th, 2007|04:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Arcade Fire | ] |
Yesterday Tibbs died under one of his favourite plants in the garden. I went outside in the afternoon and found him lying down under a giant leaf. We dug up some of the earth under the bench where he used to hang out and buried him under it. |
|
|
| A New Friend |
[Apr. 23rd, 2007|11:24 pm] |
I have no idea what to name her. I have no idea if she even is a her, she just seems to be a her. I have no idea if she is mine to name, but I sort of want her to be.
My previous experiences with cats have not been pleasant. I've found them fickle (likely to run away/rehome themselves on a whim) and vicious. This has caused me to develop something of a cat phobia, to the extent that I will run away from a mewing cat in the street.
She's been in our neighbourhood years, and never strays far from her house. She's never approached me either, which has caused me to like her above the other neighbourhood cats. Still, I was walking home from college and she ran up to me meowing really loudly. I forgot my fears pretty much straight away and petted her. She's very boney, and her owner has had the curtains closed for days now. I'm wondering if they have died/gone away.
I went back a few days ago and she was rooting through the trash looking for food. She found the smallest bone with some meat on, so I brought her some tuna from home. The day after she was still hanging round so I carried her home (she let me pick her up and bring her indoors without appearing distressed or hostile). I'd pretty much like to keep her, now that Tibbs is getting old and I might need a new best friend soon.
Does anyone have any advice?
PS. I let her go again once she'd had some food at my house. I saw she got back home safetly, but haven't seen her since. I've left food out and found it empty but it could be one of the other greedy cats. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2007|08:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  worried | ] |
**NOT for the haemophobic**
I've been diagnosed as having health anxiety, mainly for confusing my panic attacks with heart problems. I've found that when I'm trying to sleep I'll get major chest pains, and found that dramatic in-labour-esque breathing is the only way to defeat them, because the sensation of expanding my lungs overrides the "pains". Anyhoo, I've been doing silly modern-psychotherapy stuff as instructed (writing down what reduces my health worries, avoiding asking people if I look ill etc) and have pretty much gotten over my concerns of heart disease when THIS happens, and I'm convinced I'm anaemic:
If you look on the bleeding finger you can see the tiniest of cuts. I took this photo two hours after I made the incision because I thought it might be good to document my blood loss. That's a lot of blood for such a small cut. I'm also troubled by the consistancy, it seems quite thin/watery.
At the time I panicked severely. By the time I'd found a plaster ("band-aid" to my American friends!), most of my sleeve was soaked, and I'd left a trail along the floor and work surface. I cleaned both up, only to find I'd bled straight through my plaster and remade the entire track. I managed to call a doctor with my hand wrapped up in kitchen towel, but the surgery was closed so I fainted/fell asleep (not sure which) and woke up to find I'd finally stopped bleeding. So long as I don't move that finger, I'm fine.
( More gore, ooo! )
 |
|
|
| Here is a dear friend. |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|02:50 pm] |
Tibbs is getting sleepy lately, and spends most of the time in the garden laying down in the shade as opposed to hopping around and uprooting plants. The vet says he has cataracts in both eyes, and the fur on his face is slowly turning grey. Still he is in very good health, and fully capable of giving me nudges for affection and treats.
It is bizarre to think of my bestest friend (nine and a half years of unfaltering companionship) getting old, and I've spent every year since he was four (and I was thirteen) worrying about him dying, but everything seems quite gentle and I'm grateful. |
|
|
| ART CRIME |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|12:23 am] |
It's taken forever and still looks awful. BLARG.
|
|
|
| The Happiness Of Successful Self-Employment |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|01:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Way Out - Yeah Yeah Yeahs | ] |
On Monday some friends and I took a trip to the Lakeside shopping complex situated near London. After a few hours of wandering around looking for entertainment, we found everything we could ever dream of in the form of a small, blue machine that charges a mere £2 to print "20 business cards". It was quite wonderful, allowing you to choose logo, address and business title. Only problem was... we didn't have a business to advertise. Thank goodness for imagination!
Our other companies include "Second-Hand Limbs" offering a free week's trial and the guarantee of our limbs being "good as second-hand" (yes, that's right) and Massive Birds to escort you on a night out. Birds as in "a flock of".
( We then spent the next two days making sure everyone both in Lakeside and Colchester knew of our services. I'm quite the entrepreneur... )
We weren't even half way through the day when we realised we needed a drink, BAD! Stopping in at our favourite Chinese/Japanese supermarket, Jon bought a refreshing can of "Natural Coconut Milky!" which was stank of fish, and was so nasty that he was forced to pour it away...
It was then that we found Dale, Kerry and Olivia walking round town. The first lesson we taught Liv was "if a stranger ever offers you any Natural Coconut Milky, always say NO!
Liv turned out to be my best business recruit. We found that no one would suspect us of marketing faux-businesses if the card dispatcher was a six year old child. Here are some of the adverts we created together:
And no, I didn't think that stuff looked like cheesecake either...
( Our trip then extended to the infamous Natural History Museum of Colchester where oppurtunities were everywhere! )
Before we left the history museum there was time for Jon and I to create some beautifully coloured badgers for Kerry and Dale, who were VERY pleased with them!
As we left the museum Liv started running and screaming "QUICK! RUN! KERRY'S BEEN STEALING!", which thankfully was not true! By now it was getting dark, so we decided to set off home. Liv wanted to stay with Jon and I (claiming "That Kerry ruins EVERYTHING!"), but when Jon said if she stayed she'd have to drink Natural Coconut Milky she ran obediently back to Kerry. |
|
|
| Melting Snow Sadness |
[Feb. 8th, 2007|02:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Did You See The Words? - Animal Collective | ] |
Today was a snow day. Not for my college, but I don't go there a lot lately. I have a bad cold, but that didn't stop me going out walking with my manual camera. I'll show you when the film gets developed! True to snow day tradition, I managed to slip up and do a little Bambi-on-ice show for the dog-walkers in the woods. One of them asked me if the main school near me was closed, and when I told her it was she said "Oh, well lucky you!". I did not mention that I was too old, in theory, for college, let alone school. I also saw a child's snowman on the street and took no time in kicking it to pieces (jk). There was an ambulance outside one of the houses, and it would have made for a cool shot if not totally disrespectful.
Cute snow pictures of Tibbs and gargoyles on my Flickr. |
|
|
| Gently Intoxicated Happiness |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|03:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  invertedly happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Positive Tension - Bloc Party | ] |
Last night was fun. I discovered that I'm not only the biggest light-weight known to man, but also the worst drunk-speller, and that laughing when drinking can result in your drink falling out of your nose. I also found out that attending a pub-quiz "for a laugh" is highly offensive to the regulars who have been hitting the books all week in hope of success. I realised that my friends are truely amazing people, and that Daniel makes the best burps. After learning all of this I walked home clumsily and saw myself off to bed, hiccupping.
The above picture is one of those that I fall in love with because it seems to be a perfect snap-shot of a life slightly distorted (by drink). I'm the one putting ice from my drink into an empty glass.
( Read more... )
More pics on my Flickr. |
|
|
| Sadness of Three-Dimensional Being |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|01:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | very much real | ] |
I like viewing the world as a traveler. Train windows make the best frames for pictures. Two-dimensional pictures, where you can enjoy the beauty of an industrial sky-line without the guilt of global warming and dirty air. Where a Muslim woman is exactly that, a Muslim woman. She is not a terrorist, a fundamentalist, a prisoner. Yes, she may be oppressed... but she just as well may be liberated. My favourite photographs are always the ones with distorted angles, or high contrasted colouring. There is no point in art that shows the world exactly as it. At the same time, I can't stand surrealism - it feels like putting my fingers in my ears or covering my eyes (see previous). I like the world through a filter, where I'll part my fingers in front of my eyes or only listen to one, or two, streams of sound. Because the world altogether, 3D and wholesome - that is an ugly thing.
 |
|
|
| Sadness of Having Unelegant Hands |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|10:21 pm] |
EDIT: Well aware I have the world's chubbiest arms and hands (my dad calls me "sausage-fingers").
Hem. Not to chat on too much about the matter, but I have missed having a journal, so have created this'un.
My art professor says that the eyes are always the most telling part of my portraiture work, so I'm testing the theory. Do you think it is possible to see hints of character or personality without seeing my eyes? I think so yes. I enjoy self-portraiture when I am wearing a dandy yellow shirt.
But anyway, here is me!
I had a large fight with a best friend. It was awful. I honestly have not felt so terrible in a long time. I thought I was going to be sick, or die. He quit his job to avoid working with me! Then we realised it was a misunderstanding and I thought I was going to be sick, or die (from happiness, this time). Melodramatics, I must say! |
|
|
jubilant
